Saturday, August 25, 2012

In Search of Bonkers

I made an intriguing discovery on a recent trip through western Kansas. Well, I suppose I made several discoveries, one of which is that the hills around Fort Riley are ridiculously well prepared for a zombie attack. Not only did we spot a fleet of helicopters, but they’ve got this cannon all set up and ready to blast the approaching horde. This is extremely thoughtful of them. And it’s telling that they seem to think the attack will come from the west.

Sorry all you west coasters, but this cannon is clearly pointed your way for a Very Good Reason.

(Note to whatever agencies I’ve alerted by writing this post: I’m assuming these things weren’t secret because I observed all of it from I-70. Which totally makes sense. Zombies don’t require covert anything. Just cannons and attack copters.)

I was greatly comforted by this discovery as I’m sure you can imagine.

 The other discovery was less comforting, but just as interesting.

Every time I’m in a place that feels something like “the middle of nowhere” I search for this candy I loved as a child called Bonkers. It’s probably been discontinued for years, but I have this feeling that there’s some gas station somewhere with an unending stash of Bonkers and I just have to find it.

Never mind the fact that it would be EXTREMELY UNWISE to consume Bonkers were I to find them as they would likely be as old as Full House by this point. I just sort of want to see them again and okay, I would probably eat them. Hey, people eat Moon Pies all the time and they HAVE to be as bad for you as decades old candy.

So we were in this gas station in the middle of the middle of nowhere, Kansas and ‘lo and behold, I didn’t find Bonkers, but I did find something nearly as exciting: Big Hunk.

I’d never heard of this candy, but…it’s called Big Hunk. How could I not buy that?

But it wasn’t done being delightful. As soon as I got back to the car and started examining my new discovery, I found that this candy comes with eating instructions. You can’t just unwrap and take a bite out of this thing. Or, I guess you can, but it’s not what they advise. Big Hunk requires special attention in order to be enjoyed properly. It requires smacking and/or heating and I think, perhaps, a vlog when I finally get around to trying it.

I’ll keep looking for Bonkers because it’s good to have goals when exploring the candy aisles of gas stations, but for now, I’m mollified.

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